How it helped me to see my company as a human being

A personal story ending a three-year-long grieving period

Photo by Astra Liu on Unsplash

Something special is about to start. Earlier today, when the birds started singing, I realised that before starting a new venture, it is important to close the book with the past. A long and difficult struggle that took me nearly 3 years to finally heal my wounds losing my life work and my baby. An obvious mourning process. Before embarking on a new journey I feel it is time to wander through my memories of when I met you for the very first time when I was just 18 years old.

It was in the year 1998 that I met you. You were part of my military training and learned a lot from you. I could ask you anything and you were the standard for our discipline. Next to the excellent training staff, I had the privilege to be part of a very professional and focused organisation.

Thanks to you I could be deployed anywhere in the world to operate in harsh conditions. When I decided that my career in the civilian society was a better place for me, I kept you on my desk for the years to follow. 

When I bought my first iPad after an amazing business trip in the Bay Area at San Francisco International Airport, I instantly knew this would be something for you. I felt it was time for you to get a modern outfit: a touchscreen that allowed for swiping and amazing features. In 2012 I went to the notary with you and our new trip started with great co-founders.

Originally based in Brooklyn (NL) and later that year in Amsterdam, you were able to help a diverse group of companies with their employee onboarding challenges. A market that was not yet existing. We traveled in a very crampy airplane to New York and San Francisco, where we already saw the impact of your personality on international clients.

You gave new hires the confidence to succeed in their career and brought people closer together. Similar to what I experienced during military training.

On every flight back home we dreamt big together and everything became reality. For years it has been hardworking and we had to find investors on our way for you to continue to make you better and more relevant.

Sometimes we had to do what I call ‘Houdini acts’¹. You noticed that my role changed as your father.

While I was at my best commercially, inspiring other people and setting the strategic direction, I was ‘running on empty’ when the company got bigger with many employees and hundreds of clients. My job became political and I entered an unknown and uncomfortable environment.

It is lonely at the top, one of our investors once told me. 

Early in 2017, I already thought it was better to find a better parent for you. It was simply not my thing anymore to manage a large company and to be in a role that I was not comfortable in anymore. I disappointed you and neglected my feelings, starting to lose you day by day.

With our growth and success and the international expansion, I found my energy back in our internationalisation and new offices. You went to Brooklyn, NY, and Singapore. We went on stage together and inspired thousands of people. I was proud of your impact outside of Europe. For me, it was an opportunity to escape and not to be part of politics for a while. It felt like time stood still and we got back together in our 2012 flow. It was unforgettable but this feeling did not last long.

You could sense it whilst drinking a nice cappuccino with you on the third floor, you could see the dark clouds coming looking outside the window. The always so positive energy in our office faded away. I was not able to turn this around and was too focused on putting out fires.

It was in these last 6 months that I became a rebellious father for you. And I became different, especially after the many Houdini acts we completed together in the past. Not listening to my feelings and relying on certain people, set me up for failure. It felt like being in a self-driving car driving towards a tree.

One day I made the biggest mistake in my career to sign a piece of paper with the promise to remain your father but in a different role. Three weeks later, on a day I will never forget, I lost you for good. It was a sunny day in June and I woke up sick and it looked like I was part of a bad dream and was not awake. My daily drive to our office took ages. The actions that followed still feel inhuman and unjust, even after three years. You looked at me shivering, crying, and unjust. You knew it was time to move in your direction.

When you want to let go of something, you first have to grab it. Seeing you as a human being was for me the way to close the book.

I am proud of you. I want to thank you for every moment together, all the special people that have been part of our journey, clients we met together, our investors, and the many colleagues we worked with. 

What I have learned from you has been invaluable, what we have experienced together will be cherished. 

Now, it is time to let you go! 

1. Houdini Acts - An entrepreneur who sees the possible from the impossible from a back-against the wall situation