When to protect your own boundaries as an entrepreneur?
A reflection on my last year in my previous startup
Last Wednesday I ran through the countryside on my weekly 10K run. It was hot during the middle of the day, around 23 degrees and I felt good and comfortable despite the powerful sun. While I was already at two-thirds of this run on my way back home, I saw a peaceful family of swans crossing the road, three kids and their parents. At a distance of around 100 meters, I saw several vehicles stopping as the male parent suddenly reared up dramatically with his wings up and flapping.
As the cars did not take enough distance to let the swan family reach the other side of the road, the father started to attack each car passing by. I paused my run and watched the whole scene from a safe distance close to a small bridge. The car drivers took off with some scratches on their doors and looked quite scared. They hit the gas pedal rigorously after passing by. When the family finally reached the small pond, I continued my run.
The last few kilometers, I realized this behaviour from the male parent also resonated with me during the unexpected end of my career at my previous start-up. Even one of my readers messaged me, with the personal question: "hey where did it go wrong?"
I built a company right from the beginning with the belief to become at some point independent from myself as a co-founder. As I wrote in my previous article, the painful and inhuman exit process has left its lasting marks on my soul. However, this special run made me think about my behaviour in the last year before I exited.
When we grew and the environment became more political and hostile, I felt uncomfortable and did not know how to respond. When I talked to my colleagues about it, I always noticed they knew something that I did not know. It made me more insecure and my 'factory setting' was just to protect the family. I became rebellious at the moment that my role changed towards being a politician and doing managerial work that I never enjoyed doing because it's just not me.
I remember having lunch in a posh Amsterdam restaurant with one of the investors trying to let me sign a piece of paper. I became furious and even blew the smoke of my cigarette in his eyes and told him to get the f*ck out of my face just to scare him off. Same as the swan did last week.
I stayed too long in this rebellious mode, just to protect my baby and take care of the family. I thought I could win this, but not against this very well-prepared investor. The letter I talked about was eventually the letter I had to sign under fierce pressure to secure our funding. I signed it because I wanted to end the awful life I was living. I made this decision too late and the end resulted in a huge tragedy that gave me a great new life after all.
When you have the feeling something is not right and you are not enjoying the role you are having as an entrepreneur, it's time to protect your baby. Not to rebel as I did, but to take the initiative to stay close to yourself and carve your path.